 #
Oh well aunty Julie's had a little boy then Sam ? #
Yeah exactly eight pound . #
No ! #
And they said it was gonna be a difficult birth and that cos #
baby isn't she ? #
didn't she ? #
Well the chap came yesterday #
when #
she was on her way into town see #
And she came out a you know seeing who was going in #
and Phil went round there yesterday afternoon . #
And she said that she'd had the baby she was great . #
She did ! #
We'll just drop the kids over Beryl's and er #
Got to just pop into town . #
Yeah , I couldn't get one down Co-op yesterday , they didn't have any . #
Well they did #
You could either have a ten or a twelve pound #
one #
or you could have a #
Or you could have a #
piddling little chicken #
for about four pound #
cos only had not ha , I thought no way ! #
I thought well in town you can get about they have er a big turkey . #
I'll go and get one this afternoon . #
And I've gotta get erm #
It's your granddad's birthday innit , on Tuesday ? #
I'll get him a card . #
Well I'm only #
I'm only giving cards out because as you know nan doesn't bother with birthdays #
And I suppose I better get er Carl's birthday card while I'm at it . #
I ought to go to the party . #
And where else ? #
That's right . #
hotel . #
Yeah she used #
to nice . #
Have you gotta get a card for Julie as well ? #

Oh and it's blue as well ! #
Oh right ! #
How can you ? #
Pete ? #
Go on then you'll be able to see mummy from work . #
He come home Thursday . #
Here are Phil . #
That's what ? #
Yeah I think so . #
What ? #
Philip ! #
Philip ! #
You and the bloody telly , he sat there with the ashtray in his hand and all bloody ash is falling out the bottom ! #
Here are . #
That man coming to do #
my windows again Thursday . #
Mm . #
You don't like him do you ? #
Come and clean my windows and I owed him from the last time . #
Play with the other one Sam ? #
Have to get out one of them dolls Phil . #
Gonna have to get one of them dolls , she loves them . #
Play with the other one ! #
Look ! #
Play with that one ! #

What about the baby look ! ! #
Ooh ! #
That's a weight of #

Don't you think so ? #
We left off eight pound and #
at three and a half months ! #
Right . #
Alright . #
There you go ! #
Oop ! #
Ah shit on my foot ! #
Do you see Brookside last night ? #
Why don't you watch it ? #
It was good ! #
Oh that's nice ! #
You got cake as well then ? #
What's wrong with her ? #
What #
next Saturday ? #
Probably five pound fifty ! #

Mm . #
With Vicki just having her birthday she's got all she needs now isn't it ? #
You leave him alone ! #
Leave him alone ! #
? #
You fellers I'll get up ! #
Do it yourself ! #
Go away ! #
Go away you ! #
Go away ! #
Wee wee . #
No , you don't ! #
You got a nappy on ! #
Where's daddy ? #
Where's daddy ? #
Get up ! #
Come on Phil ! #
Listen to me ! #
Shut up ! #
Hurry up Phil ! #
My twenty five percent here cor that'll be an expensive month ! #
Twenty four ! #

Yeah ! #
That's right . #
We can still play #
play with bank and then erm #
Whoever gets the highest dot can go #
clockwise from there . #
Oh he's got one . #
They're gonna wonder what the hell they're listening to , ha ! #
Don't be swine ! #
Ten thousand pound . #
It's only half there . #
There ! #
I'll be the little house then . #
Oh thanks #
Phil ! #

Is there a lighter over there ? #
No ! #
Yeah when you start the actual game you do . #
No you don't ! #
Not on this one . #
Now you can have a go . #
This is who #
starts #
Ah , only cos you got a low score ! #
Doesn't matter which wa , that is clockwise ! #
Six . #
And then whoever gets the highest starts on there and goes clockwise . #
So it's Gary #
going this way innit ? #
I don't know which way you go ! #
Which way do you go ? #
Yeah . #
Cos you don't start right next to those don't go straight across the racecourse . #
I missed that ! #
Oh hold on ! #
What are we gonna #
do ? #
Two #
you gotta earn two things and #
five thousand pound and either a the diploma or a membership . #
Yeah . #
And then #
five #
So it's five thousand #
and two for that one , and ten thousand and two for that one . #
What are we setting the end for ? #
Fifty thousand ? #
Unless you set a time or something . #
Cos then go #
Every time you go round , so that's five times round . #
Cos you gotta set a target now before #
we start . #
Yeah , you need five thousand to get up into there . #
And then you need ten thousand to get from there to there . #
No ! #
Cos you only have to go round twice cos you collect ten thousand when you pass there ! #
And #
Yeah , that's easier #
cos it's only a small board innit ? #
Alright , fifty . #
Ooh ! #
About quarter past nine at ! #
Gotta go round once before you can buy . #
Same as thingy . #
Is that the same on all different games ? #
But even when you go up you gotta go round once before you buy as well haven't you ? #
Mm . #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven . #
Twelve . #
Oh shit ! #
Oh I wanted that football pools ! #
Got eighteen and a half today on the pools ! #
Six , seven , eight ! #
You have a go on that . #
You can make that and put down as much as you want and then you roll the dice . #
Two . #
Yep ! #
Throw three . #
Where does that hundred go then ? #
Oh right ! #
I think you put it in the middle and then so like #
if you land on a certain square you can keep it ! #
That's what you do in Monopoly ! #
If you put all the fines and that in the middle if you land on free parking you can keep it . #
Collect wages , two hundred pound . #
Ooh ha ! #
Well away from the wedding ! #
Mm . #
Well you haven't got to ! #
If you land on it you gotta go up ! #
Phil used to wait till I landed on the wedding #
That's what you'd like innit Phil ? #
Pat took home erm #
four hundred and twenty five quid she won ! #
last week . #
No . #
One , two , three , four , five , one , two , three , four , five . #
No it's not to go together is it ? #
Or is it ? #
Don't know . #
And that was , one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven . #
! #
I ain't drank it yet ! #

You inherit two hundred pound and you don't get your next go ! #
Have you found out any ? #
Phil ? #
Found out how granddad is today ? #
No ! #
You gotta go #
pass it . #
Mm . #
Phillip can't cos he's gotta miss a go ! #
You can start buying now . #
Er a hundred pound . #
Yeah . #
Or even if I haven't , Oh I've got them haven't I ? #
Cos you pay me that ! #
Ha ! #
Ha ! #
Thank you ! #
Gotta have two of the cards #
and the money , and then a diploma or a membership card to go up . #
Yep ! #
No . #
Just #
Dunno ! #
Fifty thousand we set it up to . #
They win don't they ? #
Remember I used to go #
up to there , I always used to land on a bloody divorce ! #
Well we haven't got the cards for that but you can still buy it and I'll give you a credit card or something to use instead . #
So if you just use it like that then at least it shows you've got a card . #
And you get twenty back don't you , when you sell them back to the bank or whoever ? #
Four . #
One , two , three , four . #
Ooh I'll buy one of them ! #
Fifty pounds worth of tuition . #
Cos I need one of them , that's , what's that , a membership or a no , it's a diploma innit ? #
Right , I'll have one of . #
I need one of them . #
Yeah ! #
Put #
Both dice ? #
Bloody hell ! #
Oh bloody hell ! #
There you go ! #

That's that one . #
The person on your left throws it for you . #
Gary . #
So if you wanna put like a hundred or something on #
then Gary throws it #
and he can have up to three goes . #
Like , if he gets two you lose all of it but if he rolls a twelve you get your hundred pound back plus ten times that amount . #
You don't choose a number . #
No . #
You just throw it . #
Gotta work it out then . #
No , you can have up to three goes . #
Four . #
Lose a third of your investment . #
Seventy five quid . #
I'd go on it . #
But change that #
Oh shit ! #
Six . #
Lose a quarter of it . #
You'll probably a twelve ! #
Plus equal amounts . #
So you keep that #
and you get hundred pound of that . #
Jammy bastard ! #

Mm . #
Gonna have to start changing up the hundreds cos we've run out in the bank . #
Now , there's five of #
mine . #
One , two #
three , four , five . #
Change that #
Does anyone else wanna change up any hundreds cos we're erm getting a bit short ! #
Oh yeah ! #
Big head ! #
Four . #
That's alright . #
And I've changed that five #
of mine . #
Well you don't wanna change them all do you ? #
This gives us some more back in the bank . #
Make sure it's only one I'm giving him ! #
How many does that leave you with then ? #
Yeah but you wanna keep some in case you land on the #
stock exchange . #
I just gave you it ! #

Mm ! #
Hold on ! #
Gary's given five , I gave five , and there was one left in there so that's one , two #
three ooh , three #
four , five . #
That's Gary's five , that's #
Three , four , five . #
That's my five . #
One , two , three , four #
no , that's mine ! #
That's right . #
Yeah . #
Thank you ! #
Cor ! #
Trying to con were you ? #
Oh yeah ! #
Ooh ! #
Will you now ! #

Shall I take both of one of them ? #
Do you want that or eleven ? #
Ooh ! #
! #
Ooh ! #
Five to one , so that's only five hundred quid innit ? #
Ooh ooh ! #
What's that ? #
Membership , fifty pound . #
Well you had to miss a go #
Yeah , but you're a go and we've been to . #
No I haven't even finished #
my sandwiches yet ! #
Pickles there ! #
Pickled onions if you want them . #
You can ! #
There's more than one ! #
They're gonna think we're a right bunch of swearing pigs on there ! #
Right ! #
Who's go is it ? #
Gary's go . #
It's your go Ga ! #

Me . #
Green furniture . #
Ooh a microwave oven ! #

No . #
No , it's two of anything . #
I know ! #
No , you got a microwave ! #
Yeah . #
Why you take it off my pile did you ? #
I know I've only got two there anyway ! #
I think ? #
Yeah . #
Ooh eleven again ! #
Shit ! #
Why couldn't I have had that last time ! #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven , ah ! #
Dum , doo doo doo ! #
Where do I go to ? #
Yeah , that's what I land on nearly every time ! #
Aha . #
Oh shit ! #
That means I gotta sell this back ! #
How much do I want erm #
You just give them back don't you . #
Anyone wanna bid for it ? #
Diploma . #
How much you give me for it ? #
You could buy it for fifty ! #
So Shel can sell it for a lot more than that . #

I don't thi , I didn't buy any property either did I ? #
I didn't ! #
I took one ! #
You now owe me five thousand pound and you can go up into the middle . #
No , you'll need one or the other . #
No , one of the two #
things . #
Well it's only cash ! #
Oh right ! #
Yep ! #
Ooh I didn't collect mine when I went past either did I ? #
Yeah you can but if you land on #
Yeah . #
That's half of the #
Exactly ! #
But #
if you land on that #
and you've got five thousand #
pound credit #
it's still the same . #
That's right . #
Mm . #
No . #
There are see ! #
Phil's just landed on it , it's only cost him fifty quid ! #

on Saturday . #
There's Friday's . #

fifty pound now , oh right ! #
Oh ! #
Oh my God ! #
I ! #
Er , one , two #
three , four , five , six , ooh ooh ! #
Ooh shit ! #
Six . #
A thousand pound . #
So if I go round in #
five times then get divorced #
and I can go straight #
back up when I've bought the two of them then . #
Got ten . #
They're certainly not as old as ours are they ? #
We've had ours about two years ! #
Er #
Oh !haven't I ? #
Four hundred and twelve thousand two hundred ! #
No ! #

Ooh I keep sa #
I got it ! #
Welfare payments . #
Fifty times ro , oh , roll of one dice ! #
How ma #
Stop tapping dear ! #
Look at all these scum down in that lower class ! #
Ha ! #
Oh hold on , I've got to collect this thousand pounds and I'll #
have a go on the race track . #
Mm ! #
What ! #
What ! #
You lot #
Snob ! #

Ya ! #
That's forty #
Erm I'll go from ten actually ! #
Oh fuck ! #
I should of gone up there ! #

And I'll go up . #
Shit ! #
Oh excuse me , no I'm middle ! #
Seven . #
One , two , three , four , five , six #
seven . #
Oh there you are again ! #
Football winnings , twenty times roll of both dice . #
Don't matter . #
Problem is #
Shall I in #
in five minutes ? #
Tape's still rolling ! #
Ha ! #
Just cos your jealous cos you don't know how to ! #
So you'll probably them sent #
to you with an obscene note ! #
Oh wow ! #
Make it two hundred pound . #
Three . #
One , two , three . #
Oh fucking hell ! #
I got another hundred ! #
Ooh ! #
Ooh ! #
Ooh ! #

So Ga #
I've only gotta go round here five times now and buy #
Ha . #
Ah ya ! #
I'm a proper snob now ! #
Mm ! #
What ! #
What ! #
Oh ! #
Gary ! #
Your go my love ! #
. #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten . #
ten thousand pounds ! #
Oh , better make space for my money , what ! #

 #
Two , three , four , five . #
One , two , three , four #
five . #
Three , one , two , three , good night at bingo collect a hundred pound . #
Shame I don't go ! #
Yeah , I know . #
Ooh but the thing is . #
This is nice ! #
It's difficult to say #
he's just done here . #
No . #
Four #
five hundred , thirty four . #

Ten . #
Oh ! #
Yeah , but he's . #
Give some back it's #
Oh ! #

And times ! #
Yeah might just a little banker ! #
Well I can't afford it ! #
I wish I could ! #
Five , six , eight . #
Okay . #
there are #
I'm gonna wait till I've got enough money . #
Run out of tens . #
Yeah , that's five . #
No . #
It's only on the lottery where you can go on there . #

Ooh ! #
They can be so kind ! #
Nine #
Plus that van . #
No , ten times #
You jammy bastard ! #
You'll soon have the five thousand Phil ! #
You've can't #
bloody talk ! #
Yeah , well I keep winning #
the er football pools and the bingo ! #
Unemployment insurance payments ten times roll of one dice . #
So , that'll be forty two . #
And you've gotta beat #
So that's a thousand pound you messed up down there ! #
Person for . #

Ooh ! #
Eleven . #
Plus five times . #
Do you get that back plus a thousand . #
Ooh ! #
Thanks very much Phil ! #
Can't I don't think , I ain't got five thousand . #
Oh well #
liquid , you have owe her thirty five pound . #
No I've only got three and half thousand at the moment . #
Well a bit more #
than that , I might have got nearly four thousand haven't quite got enough #
yet . #
I'll be getting divorced ! #
Who's go ? #
Shit ! #
If I get #
that's a thousand times a roll times a roll one ooh ooh ooh ! #
One , two , three , four . #
Bloody hell ! #
Oh that's all it was ! #
You don't get anything back for them do #
you ? #
In the bank . #
A twenty , ha ! #
Yeah ! #
Ha . #

Yeah ! #
landed on that . #
Oh ! #
One , two #
three , four , five #
Oh I think I'll buy one now . #
, oh that's mine I #
can't buy my own ! #
And it's erm #
That tape's got One Foot in the Grave on it ? #
That's on Sunday night innit ? #
Yeah #
bloody brilliant ! #
Did you see last week ? #
! #
That's your membership . #
It only wants a measly thousand pounds , alright ? #
You were gonna buy that weren't you ? #
Two , three , four , five , six , one , two , three , four , five ! #
Hold on ! #
Where was I ? #
One , two , three , four , five , six , one , two , three , four , five , oh for . #
Oh I gotta collect ten #
thousand . #
Ooh ! #
Ooh ! #
Just down one . #
One , two , three , four . #
How you doing down there ? #
What is it ? #
So haven't you two got five thousand pounds yet ? #
Three . #
One , two , three . #
Ooh , well I'll buy one of those ! #
Ooh ! #
One can only get three thousand pounds . #
Mm mm ! #
Well for the time being #
One , two , two hundred and fifty #
One , two , three , four , five #
Ooh ! #
Is that it ? #
Hey ! #
Put it them in the top ! #
Aha ! #
What do you think I'm #
paying for #
I was gonna say , cor ! #
No , it should be artificial shouldn't it ? #
Why , who calls them coronations ? #
Yeah . #
Yeah . #
Coronation Street ! #
You can go up now can't you ? #
No , you can sit up there now . #
Oh , making up new rules as he goes along here ! #
Flipping talking , when they listen to that they'll burst their bloody ear drums ! #
It's a good job it's not a video though innit ? #
I know , you going to have a go on that Phil ? #
Or is it going to be a measly five hundred , what ? #
Yeah . #
Five thousand pound . #
That's what #
Oh yeah ! #
Oh he's got a ten thousand anyway ain't he ? #
After they've #
gone out ! #

three thousand , there you go darling ! #
Oh yes ! ! #
A turbo #
Right ! #
You going up now ? #
Oh no you've passed that one now haven't you ? #
Then when you get back #
you pay , you gotta pass it . #
You'll be ready to join Gary will you ? #
What ! #
What ! #
What ! #

I thought you be rich in a minute ! #
See , right if he still wasn't speaking to me properly I wouldn't have brought that off him ! #
I #
I would have waited and bought one off Gary and then he wouldn't have been able to go up would he ? #

I'll go again #
last night . #
One , two , three , four , five , one , two . #
Right , I've already got one of those haven't I ? #
It's er it's an artificial #
an artificial mink coat for . #
Oh bloody hell ! #
Want to ask me what they want Ju ? #
Only if you're up here ! #
So you only want eight hundred . #
One , two , three #
then someone's hogging all these one hundred pounds ! #

There are . #
There's five from Phil and five from me . #

Yep ! #
Dunno . #
Why ? #
I've had my go . #
She's on taxes . #
What is it ? #
Roll the one dice ? #
Ha ! #
Ooh ! #
One go ? #
I got double six ! #
Oh well wow ! #
Bless you ! #
Six . #
One , two #
three #
four #
I need that ! #
Fifty seven , seven , twenty eight #
Yeah ! #
innit ? #
You prat ! #
Yeah ! #
Oh ! #
But we don't need them ! #
Whoever you bought them #
off of . #
No , cos it's two hundred in that one and #
Aye , hold on ! #
I don't need a thing ! #
I don't need a membership for that ! #
Oh wow ! #
Ha ! #
Right , so I owe you twenty pound I haven't got any tens , you'll have to change that . #
No , that's mine ! #
And the bank owes you twenty pound , forty pound . #
You owe me thirty pounds . #
Thank you . #
Oh I like this game ! #
I've only got to go round another three times ! #
Not bad on that ! #
Thank you . #
Five hundred #
pound . #
Ooh ! #
Not bad for ! #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven and oh wow ! #
Er #
No ! #
Ooh ! #
Eight . #
One half . #
Oh my God ! #
Do you trust me ? #
Eight ! #
Ah , that's back , take that and then five #
hundred . #
Oh where shall I put my five hundred ? #
Got a lot of , lot of room have I ? #
Ooh , get lost ! #
Ooh look at that ! #
One's mine . #
That's twenty pound innit ? #
Aye , I gave him twenty pound for that #
fucking membership ! #
, that's good ! #
I paid you twenty quid for your bloody membership ! #
Kept back for that ! #
What ? #
No ,fifteen ! #
I can't buy anything cos I gotta round once . #
Yeah what did you do that for ? #
Yeah . #
Oh thank God for that ! #
Seven . #
One , two , three , four , five six #
I can't buy anything cos I'm on my first time round . #
Mm ! #
A recording contract's not a company . #
Sells . #
Oh oh oh ! #
They want a low one look at them ! #
How much is he putting on it ? #
Three thousand ? #
Get a two . #
Ooh ! #
Eight thousand ! #
He trusts you ! #
May as well give it straight to the bank . #
Oh what have #
you done ! #
Eight thousand . #
Five eight , forty thousand ! #
Have you got that much ? #
Are you sure that's right ? #
Oh hang on ! #
Sorry ! #
That's more than I've got ! #
Are you sure ? #
You put in eight thousand . #
Yeah , I was gonna say hundreds ! #
No we've put in eight thousand . #
So five eights #
are forty . #
Yeah , cos if you're going for fifty #
if you're going #
He's got them ! #
Yeah but you have to put onto them #
Whatever ! #
Fifty or ten , whatever ! #
Hundred and fifty , or hundred and ten , yeah . #
Yes . #

Yeah , you just got a fucking forty thousand you bastard ! #
I still can't buy cos it's only my first time bloody round ! #
Yeah ! #
Yeah . #
What do you need a loan for ? #
You've got more money than what I have ! #
I think I'll try that next time I'll save it for myself ! #
Bloody hell ! #
Mm . #
Me and Phil then ? #
Yeah , but you don't get anything for his Yacht Club . #
So he paid two hundred quid for it . #
Damn good ! #
Give him hundred #
Oh my , you total sod ! #
Can't you make it a rounded fi , hundred and fifty ! #
So have I ! #
Hundred and fifty . #
What , the two hundred ? #
Two fifty . #
I'm not going any #
higher ! #
Yeah , you bloody wait ! #
I'll go and land on it now and I'll be bloody pig sick ! #
Thirty , forty #
fifty #
I ain't got any fifty pound notes so ! #
No I won't ! #
And I used your five hundred . #
But he can only get a hundred pound back if he's get it from the bank . #

Hundred . #
That's right ! #
Cos you're more likely to land on #
Yes ! #
Yeah , cos it's not innit ? #
Bloody hell ! #
One , two , three , four #
eight , nine , ten , eleven , twelve . #
Yes ! #
Haven't got a glass . #
Oh Phillip don't be such a swine ! #
So you can buy a twenty four carat gold necklace darling ! #
What ! #
What ! #

Mhm . #
Bit below the belt that ! #
No you haven't . #
I ain't even got round ! #
Not very well ! #
Two . #
Shit ! #
One , two , three #
four , five , six , one , two , three #
four , five . #
I'm divorced ! #
Are you divorced ! #
Yeah . #
Shit ! #
A thousand poun , times roll of both dice ! #
Eight thousand . #
Well he's only getting #
two thousand back ! #
No , Gary can buy them off me if you want . #
But I can get five hundred from the bank . #
Well shall I give him #
two thousand . #
For each one . #
Yeah , it's your big idea ! #
Each ? #
Well I need the bloody money now ! #
Thank you ! #
I've paid my bloody you cheeky #
sod ! #
I've just done that ! #
You can guarantee I'll divorced straight away again now ! #
To five hundred . #
He'll probably win now he's got those cards #
as well ! #
Ten thousand . #
Yeah and I'll throw a ten ! #
And then you'd need a credit card wouldn't you Gary ? #
Yeah , you gotta pay that . #
Fifty . #
Hundred and fifty . #
Oh well that's not much is it ! #
Ten times . #
Ten #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten . #
I'll have one of them . #
Oh shit ! #
Don't ! #
He'll be up in , he'll fucking win it now ! #
Well you've just bought one ! #
So all I need now is ten thousand pound ! #

How many did #
grab it in a pile and chuck it on there ! #
Let's hope there's there ! #
Yeah , twenty thousand ! #
Oh not that ! #
Yep ! #
You didn't get a thousand then #
plus did you ? #
I've got eight thousand . #
I can build #
Seven . #
Ten . #
So he put in three thousand . #
Six thousand . #
Ooh gosh ! #
I collect a thousand pounds ! #
Wow ! #
Not really ! #
I only need my money now before I go #
up . #
Both . #
Hundred times . #
Four hundred quid ! #
Four thousand quid ! #
Aargh ! #
He'll probably get double one now ! #
Seven . #
Ooh yeah ! #
I need a couple #
of them ! #
Ooh ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm ! #
Mm mm ! #
Mm mm mm #
mm mm mm mm mm mm #
mm mm mm mm mm . #
Ah no , ah ah ! #
Yeah , so how much do we #
Yeah . #
Oh yeah ! #
Three thousand . #
Yeah . #
Two hundred times . #
Oh ah ! #
Ooh I need a couple of them tickets Ju ! #
Oh I'll bid for it ! #
Yeah alright ! #
Just change . #
Oh hundred and fifty ! #
Well you and your fucking money bags , keep it ! #
I'll give you six . #
Listen to him ! #
One thousand , one hundred . #
Cash ! #
That's not you #
anyway ! #
That #
That's Gary's . #
No you get stuffed ! #
I ain't paying that much #
for it ! #
I'll a go . #
And I don't , I'll get twenty er #
That's right . #
So what can you get ? #
That's that . #
I'll gi you a hundred and fifty . #
Ha ! #
I mean , only cost you five hundred anyway ! #
Go on ! #
Do you want the money or can I pay you later ? #
Oh that's another one we can bid on . #
Oh right ! #
The card . #
There's a black art gallery there . #
No it doesn't matter ! #
You can only get a hundred pounds for it . #
I'll let you two bid for it then ! #
No he hasn't got one . #
He's only got membership . #
Well you need #
You need a membership and another #
one of them or something . #
Yeah . #

I ain't got hundred ! #
You bugger off ! #
I just gave her that ! #
Look , this one ! #

! #
Right , you want the race track how much you putting on ? #
Two thousand . #
Have a go ! #
And I've just about nearly round . #
Oh I haven't got any car , I've only got one card . #
One , two , three , four , five , six I can start buying now ! #
You choose how much you wanna put in . #
And the one who throws the highest wins it . #
Yeah . #
Whatever you go I do #

Five ! #
Oh ! #
Yeah . #
No , Phil's go . #
Cos I just landed on the bottom . #
Yeah . #
He has done ! #
I said that didn't I ? #
Well that's not right cos I've got that's wrong . #

I can buy now . #
What's that for ? #
Oh ! #
So me and Phil #
are back round again ! #
No , you're there ! #
No . #
Oh if I can get you this time ! #
No way ! #
Plus one thousand . #
So you get ten back . #
You're gaining back now . #
That's if I get a fucking eleven I'm gonna kick them up there ! #
Yes ! #
Ha ha ! #
Move for half of it . #
No , should of done it to me cos I threw ! #
I know ! #
Right , where am I ? #
Oh right ! #
One , two #
three , four , five , six . #
Seven ! #
More than what you #
started with ! #
Look at his all sprawled out over there ! #
Now it's Phil's go . #
We gotta put it in whatever he puts in . #
I bet ! #
Two , three , four , five I've only got five thousand ! #
He's a bloody swine he is ! #
You ! #
You bastard ! #
Well not including my five hundred , so I've only got er six thousand #
seven thousand seven tho , seven now I can't even stretch to ! #
Yeah , you ! #
I knew he was gonna do that ! #
Aha . #
Yeah . #
But look ! #
No but you love it ! #

No you gotta find #
Yes I'll take that ! #
Plus five times . #
One , two , three , four , five ! #
Ooh ! #
What ! #
What ! #
Three ! #
One , two three . #
I can't buy anything yet ! #
Well that's mine anyway look ! #
He's getting a bit skint now ain't he ? #
Is it me to go ? #
So collect two hu two hundred when #
You get your two hundred . #
I'm only in the middle though . #
Can't go up yet . #
No . #
Regain investment . #
You lose a a thousand don't you ? #
Oh ! #
Ooh ! #
Cor ! ! #

Mm ! #
Yes . #
Nearly a thousand already . #
On number eight . #
No , seven . #
One , two #
three , four , five , six , seven . #
Erm , ten thousand from there to the top . #
Which is one of these four . #
What ? #
Well stick yourself in the highest class . #
Oh no , he's gotta pass middle . #
He's gotta get passed #
Yeah . #
Yeah but you gotta pass mine . #
Aye ! #
No , you were on that . #
On there . #
How can I rig these dice ? #
No ! #
Ooh ! #
Gonna carry on ? #
Or #
Oh no ! #
You do that one then don't you ? #
I've got to bloody ! #
Five . #
Nine . #
Eight . #
Oh ! #
I am . #
Oh ! #
Well Shel do you wanna buy them ? #
Oh shit ! #
One for my own anyway cos I've gotta give you back hundred pound for that one #
Hundred ! #
It's my own . #
Mhm . #
Yours , I'll have , ooh you a Yacht Club and a black burger . #
A nig-nog ! #
Um #
You don't get nothing for that . #
I'll give you fifty quid for that one . #
If I give you two hundred for the both of them together . #
Can't I #
Can't I buy it off you ? #
So he gets bloody #

I was kind to you last time ! #
Right ! #
One , two , three , four , five , six . #
Welfare payments times the #
roll of one dice . #
Yeah ! #
Near enough . #

Die quietly ! #
Ta . #
One what ? #
Seven . #
Get your . #
Ten . #
Plus two times . #
Plus my four thousand . #
Give us one of them back then . #

 #
A hundred times ! ! #
Nine thousand ! #
Just got rid of all your cards ! #
Oh I'll buy one of them ! #
Oh I'll get my thousands . #
I've been round a couple times thank you been up there ages ! #
Erm #
six hundred . #
Pay six hundred for it . #
And I'll #

All I need now is another card . #
Ooh microwave oven ! #
Why not ? #
I helped you two by giving you two thousand of mine . #
I did ! #
Lovely ! #
I love it ! #
And you gotta go all the way round the board ! #
Why ? #

How near am I now ? #
Three , four , five , six , seven eight . #
. #
Ooh ! #
We , can we do it ! #
Oh wow ! #
Mhm . #
You should of gone eight ! #
Seven . #
Oh yeah , eight ! #
And you were saying about don't do you any favours , you didn't do me any when you stuck bloody five hundred on the fucking lottery ! #
Five thousand ! #
Five thousand Phil , and that's all I had left ! #

seven , eight , nine , ten . #
Oh ! #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven #
Oh God we're all back down on the bloody board now ! #
And you said you could play most #
games with him on nights . #
No . #
You gotta sell these ones now . #
Yeah I've gotta get rid of them cos then we're #
bidding the bottom of that . #
You have , yeah actually . #
Four ! #
And racetrack . #
I'll give you fifty ! #
I'll give you #
hundred and fifty . #
Keep it ! #
No , two hundred and fifty ! #
We've all gotta go round once yet anyway ! #
Just ten pounds . #
I've still got #
eighty thousand there . #
Eight it is ! #
He goes twel #
back ? #
Three fifty down there . #
Gary ! #
Right , my go is it ? #
Shame I won on that lottery Gary ! #
I could put a couple of these in ! #

! #
Fifty pounds innit ? #
Diploma is that one is it ? #
Oh you gotta back past yet . #
Yeah . #
Do you want er diploma ? #
Oh no ! #
Somebody's got a lot of hundreds #
Somebody's gotta change up some hundreds . #
I've only got two ! #
going . #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven #
eight , nine , ten . #
I'm on the Stock Exchange . #
A thousand ! #
I'm not that stupid ! #
One , two #
three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten . #
Right , I've gotta collect two #
hundred for going round #
there , I'll put that straight in on the Sto no I won't ! #
I'll put It's me I ain't got enough ! #
I was going ten thousand on the Stock Exchange . #
Mm mm ! #
Eight . #
Plus one half . #
So I get a pink one and that back . #
That's not as bad . #
It's losing the lot ! #
What d'you mean what a shame ? #
Mm mm . #
That's #
finger ! #
Seven hundred pound . #
Well what d'you mean you can't buy it ! #
No , I was only one away from the wedding . #

There's a Moorland View #
in Buckland #
Yep ! #
You in't got any credit ! #
That must sound disgusting ! #
Turn the light off . #
Bang ! #
Your go Ga ! #
It's ! #
You wanna do a porno one for them ! #
Ah yes , I'm coming ! #
I'm coming ! #
I'm coming ! #
Ah ! #
You got it baby ! #

One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight . #
Ooh I've gone all hot and sweaty ! #
Gone all hot and sweaty ! #
Hundred and twenty . #

Ooh ! #
I'll have another go on the Stock Exchange . #
Julie ! #
Ooh ! #
Ooh ! #
Ooh ! #
I'll keep that . #
That and two times . #
Ooh bugger me ! #
Bugger me ! #
My money's gone right up ! #
No I think I got ten thousand there ain't I ? #
Have you ? #
I mean , that's a hundred thousand ! #
Oh are you ? #
Me ! #
Me ! #
Three thousand . #
Five hundred . #
Ooh it's the necklace again ! #
We just got rid #
of one them ! #

Till the next time though ! #
Four . #
One , two , three , four . #
. I'm gonna have to change up #
some of these hundreds . #
One , two , three , four , five #
Ah yeah , but we used to have three thousand have to go up with . #
No , five thousand ! #

Yeah , you wanted twenty thousand didn't you ? #
total except ten . #
So the ten pounds you get back innit ? #
Oh right ! #
I need some stuff . #
Right ! #
Oh well Gary can't have the brown one cos that's his anyway . #
So he could , you could only get twenty Phil , so I'll give you thirty . #
Alright I'll give you a hundred ! #
There you go ! #
That's how much you would have fucking paid me anyway ! #
Five thousand ! #
I paid a #
thousand just for the diploma ! #
If you bought both of them , yeah . #
I'm giving a thousand #
just for that ! #
What ? #
So how much d'you get back ? #
Twenty innit ? #
Ah ! #
I'll remember that ! #
Yeah , you said Phil said that you two have got all the money ! #
No , you make them the same as us ! #
Fifty pounds ! #

The ten thousands we haven't even seen yet ! #
No you don't . #
I go five thousand . #
And you gotta go in like Julie ! #
No . #
No you don't ! #
So are you going for it or not ? #
Five , six , seven #
eight . #
No they haven't ! #
You're chickening out are ? #
All of us . #

Six . #
Oh I'm winning so far ! #
Make it a nine . #
Shit ! #
Eight two ! #
Eleven . #
One , two , #
three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven . #
Yeah . #
I gotta go all the way round yet . #
Oh God ! #
Oh toast dipped in tea , yeah ! #
The only trouble is you get all #
butter floating on the top of you cup of tea ! #
You what ? #
Vagina ! #
Hundred pound . #

But you still gotta pay up #
One . #
One , two , three #
Twenty times roll of both dice . #
Oh yeah ! #
One sixty . #
Ain't it gone quiet ! #
Oh ! #
No , you're just coming up to your first round . #
Well you must have been round because you've #
one . #
How have you been round . #
Yeah you just bought off me though ! #
So I gotta give you the hundred back , you gotta give me five back . #
Ha ha ha ! #
I've been round already haven't I ? #
You got a hundred on both of those ? #
He's gotta go round yet ! #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight . #
Ooh ! #
Here we go ! #
Here we go ! #
Here we go ! #
Just you dare ! #
No ! #
That's two fours . #
Regain investment . #
two , three , four , five , six . #
I can't buy anything yet that's why I've gone past . #
Oh God ! #
I've gotta go all the way round to get a diploma and all the way round there ! #
Eight . #
You should of gone for eight Phil ! #
Nine . #
And somebody's on #
Twelve . #
What are you two doing ? #
What are you stuffing in your , in your ? #
What ? #
Take your slipper off ! #
Yeah , you're don't have to talk to make the money ! #
I know how many things I've #
fucking got ! #
Excuse me ! #
No che , I'm gonna stay in here with him while so #
he don't fucking cheat ! #
Go to the toilet one at a time ! #
I'm next in the toilet ! #
Who ? #
Yeah . #
Not in the loo ! #
No , she's #
gone to see Vicki ! #
Yeah , I know you are ! #
You can go up to the ! #
give diplomas don't worry ! #
Just under #
the table for a minute ! #
How many for a divorce ? #

bottle ! #
Do you want the kitchen light on or not ? #
So how much were they at the Swan's then ? #
I had to a man with the stick earlier . #

Grandma's fu , grandmother's funeral ! #
One , two , three , four #
Yeah . #
Well I did ! #
Ah , I can buy now ! #
Two , three , four , five , six . #
Ooh ! #
Oh ! #
Yes ! #
Oh my coffee's , coffee's gone cold now ! #
Ha hoo hoo ! #
Five thousand ! #
Ooh ! #
Eight . #
Plus one half . #
Hundred times roll of both dice ! #
Four . #
Hundred . #
Yeah . #
No , you're only there ! #
No , it's when you pass there ! #
I it says on the bottom of this Phil ! #
What ? #
Yeah but you're not in the middle ! #
Yeah but I'm on my way up there in a minute hopefully ! #
Yeah I know ! #
No . #
Well it was a hundred what one is it ? #
Can I ? #
Oh ! #

Time to start buying ! #
One , two , three , four , five , six . #
on there . #
Got a greeny , with a #
six browny ! #
Why ? #
Well you bought that one , they were selling them off . #
Mm . #
Been elevens every time ! #
Ooh ! ! #

Mm ! #
Nine . #
Plus equal amount . #
Oh shit ! #
I've gone past it again ! #
Five , six oh five hundred . #
Started about quarter #
to nine didn't we ? #
Been going an hour . #
D'you want some more wine ? #
No . #
D'you want one of them ? #
It's fucking hilarious ! #
Hundred pound ! #
You haven't got , you haven't got a diploma yet . #
Oh yes you have ! #
Shit ! #

One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight ! #
Yes ! #
I'm going up next time ! #
How much is that ? #
Oh , fifty pounds ! #
Oh ! #
Oh it's a #
No I don't watch #
those things ! #
I just like Pingu . #
D'you used to watch Pingu ? #
A little penguin ! #
Four hundred . #
Bumps on at the moment innit ? #
Doo doo ! #
Oh how does the music go on Bump ? #
Bump , bump , bump , bump . #
No ! #
You ain't got nothing to sell have you Phil ? #
Oh yeah ! #
Ooh nine ! #
Plus equal #
Oh bollocks ! #

You've got them all ! #
Ooh ! #
God ! #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight . #
Ooh racetrack ! #
I'll change that for a pink one . #
And I'll #
One ! #
Two ! #
Three ! #
Four ! #
Five ! #
Oh right ! #
Now I'll go for number eleven . #
Ooh ooh ! #
Ah ! #
Oh balls ! #
Cla one of these bugger's wrong innit ? #
Oh I did #
Did you get your two hundred ? #
Oh yeah ! #
Fucking hell ! #
Dishing out the money now aren't I ? #
Ooh , one of mine ? #
How much are they ? #
Ooh ! #
A lovely video machine ! #
Yeah , bloody disgusting innit ! #
Oh , how the #
hell did you get that one ? #
Oh yeah ! #
Mm mm mm . #
Ten times #
Yeah . #
I will ! #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven . #
A night at bingo , ooh er missus ! #
Ooh ! #
Promise that'll be this Tuesday . #
Fifty times roll of one dice ! #
Two hundred and fifty ! #
Aye ? #
Ten off you . #
Six , seven . #

Then that's going the bank . #
Give us a chance ! #
I got ten there . #
Seven . #
Cor ! #
Bloody hell ! #
That one's forty , twenty and twenty one ! #
When you pass #
Yeah . #
So am I . #
Yeah , that'll do me ! #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , it's that . #
Right , so I gotta be , er ah , I can't come off can I ? #
So you owe me ? #
twenty quid and the bank owes me twenty quid . #
Straight on ? #
Aye ? #

Ten . #
Aye , we didn't see that ! #
Oh yeah ? #

Phil would soon tell me . #
Any #
Got anything to sell ? #
Julie's gotta pay four hundred and Phil's gotta #
pay for one . #
Twenty . #
Twenty . #
Seven . #
Shit ! #
One , two #
three , four , five , seven , oh ! #
It's fucking got up there now sell off all my ! #
Seven hundred . #
You'll be back down there in a minute ! #
You'll get a seven ! #
Oh good ! #
Five hundred , that's alright . #
Thank you . #
Oh how about bloody #
Yeah . #
But , yeah . #
we should still be up ! #
We should have won by now ! #
Oh I can see that ! #
Yeah , I'm just gonna keep going till I land on the wedding . #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten . #
Go back down . #
! #
Yeah , he can go up here to fucking win that ! #
Yeah , cos all he needs to buy is two of them and he's won ! #
Yeah #
another one #
Yes #
five to one , ooh we haven't got five of these left I don't think , one , two , three , four , five , ooh and there #
ooh #
I've got fifteen #
Well if everybody wants to , I'll , I'll give everybody one of these and I'll go up to the top #
It's a good try innit ? #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine #
not the first time round #
Yeah , but you've got to buy two of these first #
and you've got to have two of these for #
one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight #
how many do I need ? #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven ooh , ah shit #
now I've got to go all the way round again , so no good buying nothing it's not worth it is it ? #
Keep going till I land on it #
Ooh last one #
The only ones you want to buy is the green and the black cos they're in the bank #
I know #
Cos there ain't any of the ten thousands left #
You're on #

It's on there Phil #
Six #
five #
ooh the bank nearly then #
Back on the bottom #
Yeah we are , me and Phil are #
Oh no we're not #
we're not in the middle #
No #
Oh shit yeah #
Not five hundred , it's only a hundred innit ? #
nice try Gary but it didn't work #
Mine I've got two , I've gone from one side of the wagon to the other #
One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven #
Oh here we go #
Me #
Don't have to at the moment don't forget to call straight away #
You would of been divorced if you'd been in the middle #
Oh a couple of twelves get me right the way round , one , two , three , four , five , six , one , two #
six , one , two , three , four , five , six , ooh , I'll have one of them oh that's not mine you could of #
One , two , three #
Yeah #
Ooh what's this , this is a #
ooh a Louis the X V commode #
Oh there's none of , oh yeah I can do these now can't I ? #
We've got quite a few to go #
Ooh seven thousand #
That's what we like Phil see cos that means you keep all the pink ones back #
Ah #
you sure you don't want me to keep it ? #
That's what Pam says every time your mother wins at bingo #
and every , it's always money goes to money she was born with a silver spoon , I was born with a wooden spoon #
Seven #
Will it be a little yellow one ? #
What ? #
Only #
no , cos Phil's gonna erm #
I'm not , it's the stock exchange #
That'll do #
Oops sorry #
Oh he's on the stock exchange #
Nine #
What would the last number of been ? #
Ten , ha plus two times #
Shit Phil did I turn the fire off ? #
Phil did I turn that the fire off at home ? #
Yeah , but did I turn the bars off ? #
The fucking dog'll sizzle up #
This stuff I'm going round and I'm gonna get #
Oh #
Ooh #
ooh #
Ten , one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten ten , oh , one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten and I've already got one of them , thank you #
Yeah , you seemed to gain your ten thousand don't you , then you lose it #
Six , now I'll have one of them , that's yours Phil cos I need another one #
Yeah , but he was a bastard to you wasn't he ? #
Yeah , you didn't want one of mine did you ? #
There you go #
Go at it with a fast engine #
You haven't been round yet #
Ten #
This bank's getting quite healthy here #
Do you want one of them Phil ? #

Oh hell #
Oh shit number one spin time , five lose half of it #
ooh alright #
oh shit yes it did #
What was it last time then ? #
Ooh #
ooh a shit , that's what I need , does , does that count as my go ? #
One , two , three , four , five #
Bloody hundred #
I've got fifteen of them #
I've got fifteen of them here and I'm still in the bloody bottom class #
My go already ? #
You've got a lot more than me , but #
Where are you then , yeah , but , you're up in the high #
Yeah , but , so with that all he only needs , he only needs to get #
No #
Seven #
one , two , three , four five , six , seven oh shit #
me and my big mouth #
So that's the ten thousand gone #
I need twenty one thousand #
Now , hang on #
hang on #
Er #
where are one , we're up in the high aren't we ? #
yeah , but Gary needs them you , you need the green one and Gary needs both so #
No because that means you've won #
Five hundred #
It's gone your fireworks in it ? #
No #
Yeah you've had yours #
One , two , three , four , five , six , oh #
Mm , mm #
Oh shit you've won a thousand pounds #
no thank you or nothing #

You don't have to sell them back to him #
But why ? #
No #
I could get up there before he buys #
anything #
Not likely , but I might , I need one , two , three , four #
five , six , seven , eight #
How many tens of boxes have you got ? #
Sex , that sex maniac card game #
Mother bought that for me for Chris for us for Christmas and you've never played it ? #
So you're gonna pay his bill for those ? #
For that one ? #
Phillip you dickhead #
I was on there #
I did #
Ah , I've been using me credit cards #
You see he could lose the lot now Phil #
You going to invest money ? #
That's a house #
Why couldn't I of kept the exam #

One , two , three , four , five , six #
Right and I'll erm #
race track #
and I'll have one of these cos I #
that one I've got #
Eleven , ha , oh shit that would mean twenty to one #
oh fucking hell #
Oop , I moved your pen #
Shit #
Six , one , two , three , four , five , six , I ain't gone bloody round yet #
yeah #
No we're not , cos he's only got to get another one yes , yes , bastard , one , two , three , four , five #
Ah ? #
Eighty three thousand #
Yeah #
I've got fourteen and #
Oh you wanted that Phil #
Fifty pounds #
One , two , three , four , five ,si oh god #
seven thousand #
Ah , I've got to miss a go haven't I ? #
Ten , one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , oh golly here we go again #
Art show , fifty quid #
There are #
Oh god why can't there be a #
you were on there #
You gonna keep going ? #
Oh bloody hell #
That's ten times #
You haven't got enough have you ? #
Oh yeah #
There are Phil that's yours #
Yeah , I'm only ten away from that #
Let's see if I can get the same then #
You owe me three thousand first #
For this , cos you #
No , you , I , you just bought that a new cos you've just landed on it #
Yeah I know you've won #
No , okay #
And me and Phil come #
He's just won on the houses ain't he ? #
Fifteen , sixteen #
sixteen hundred thousand whatever it is #
and a hundred and #
Yeah #
Right , put them into er #
Oh do they ? #
aargh #
mine's disgusting as well #
That would just about buy er , a three bedroomed house #
That's what Phil's got innit Phil ? #
You've got pocket money #
What ? #
I don't mind #
We didn't need that put that back in there #
Oh there's the spastic spaky band here #
never mind #
Yeah they've taken on extra staff #
Yeah that he just , he asked Gary this morning if he was looking for a job #
you've been told you've been training people ain't you ? #
get offered the job first don't they ? #
Mm #
have you got a fork lift ? #
Dunno , he didn't say he just said they need a fork lift driver #
No I was thinking , will you be able to get time off in September ? #
Is it September time you wanna go to Alton Towers ? #
You can get your holiday whenever you like can't you ? #
You'll only need Monday night off won't you ? #
And the Monday especially if we're travelling back on the Monday #
Yeah , so really driving back all that way you want Monday night off as well , you'll be knackered #
Yes you do #
No cos #
it closes in October don't it ? #
Cos we went there #
the last week in September and it was the last week it was open , so you're better of going near the middle or I mean the beginning or #
the middle of September #
First week in September #
Mm , mm #
Well no how much does it work out to to stay at Kit's twelve pound a night innit ? #
That's for both of you #
Yeah #
If we go the second week in September , then that way we can #
Yeah , but what you had #
So I've got to ask you the question ? #
When Gary's stopped dying #
Oh here we go #
so this is all gonna be on there innit ? #
This is where I'm #
no , leave it on Gal #
killing herself I haven't even read it out yet #
you wait I've gotta ask Phil #
No I only ask Julie #
Who swung over the audience on a swing and pissed all over them ? #
Was it A , Annie Sprinkle , B , Lulu , or C Cosi Fan Tutti ? #
Pissed all over them . #
A , B or C ? #
No , that one goes it was that erm Cosi Fan Tutti #
yeah , right Phil #
no just keep putting them on top and when you get to the bottom #
that one , just start again #
No you don't #
because then that'll be at the bottom won't it ? #
Fucking you clever , like hell you are #
I like this one what is the capital #
Oh #
Bloody hell what is a Wankel ? #
I can't say that without laughing , right #
Yeah I did #
That Fan Tutti woman pissed all over the crowd #
Yeah you keep them #
Yeah you keep the card #
you've got to spell out sex maniac #
that's S E X M A N I C X , no C yeah #
sex maniac #
Oh , don't let other people see what letters you've got #
Where did Marilyn Monroe say she kept her undies ? #
In the ice box , in the President Kenn Kennedy's pocket , or in the post ? #
In an ice box #
I bet she had a cold cunt every morning #
Frozen orgasms #
Yeah #
So you get that one #
No no you must miss out on a go , oh it doesn't say , let him have another go then #
It doesn't say , no wait for it #
Who said sex appeal #
I asked all these questions to #
Well I should play this with Uncle John #
What so he's #
No , we asked him and he said it was with his work mates #
Ominer #
Intestine #
Ain't the other one easier ? #
Curious way to bonk animals #

What is a #
what is an agent #
What is an agent provocateur ? #
A sexual go between , a secret agent planted to seduce the enemy into misbehaving , a chemical in massage oil which makes you tingle #
No , it was an agent planted to seduce the enemy into misbehaving , listen to this one ,does a lollipop lady do blow jobs in blue movies , help British children across the road , display downward trends at the stock market it's fucking easy innit ? #
Oh shit #
Oh yeah I suppose you shout oh god I'm coming , every time that bloody thing goes off #
Oh god #
come on it's your turn Gary #
should of had the microphone out of the #
No thanks I've just had to spit me coffee back in there #
I had a mouthful of coffee and I thought that she farting #
No that's still the first one , urgh #
No I'm drinking that and that's secondhand that . #
What was the first one licking pussy ? #
Oh #
Yeah #
An A for an A #

oh which one do I go for ? #
The Three Hundred Club is for people who have A , done a South Pole streak from sauna , two thousand , oh two hundred degrees Fahrenheit to outdoors minus one hundred degrees Fahrenheit or a penis , a penis of over three hundred millimetres long or a club for people who have made love in a helicopter ? #
No the first one #
someone who's done a streak from a sauna to outdoors in the South Pole , mm , that's enough to turn your nibbles on #
You depressed are you Phil ? #
Play indoor games #
Mm , you're playing an indoor game now #
Squash #
middle #
yeah his eyebrows go right down don't they ? #
cor where'd you buy it from then ? #
B #
I thought you didn't want to know #
Who reputedly sold sex for luncheon vouchers ? #
Quinton Crisp #
Frank Harris or Cynthia Payne ? #
I don't know , who is she ? #
Scarlet #

What letter was that ? #
I haven't even lit them up yet #
Really ? #
Yeah , he went bonking with his missus every night on Fawlty Towers didn't he ? #
Oh no they had single beds didn't they ? #
Who's go is it ? #
See somebody could of won by now #
they're all brainy #
Yeah , but I asked a load to Phil's dad and #
he answered every single one of them right #
Yeah , but I wonder how many of them can answer these questions #
have a fucking go at that matey #
Eggs #
What #
a fanny's clit #
Is it in your way ? #
you've won a card have you ? #
Oh yeah Basil Fawlty one #
Fish tank I can hear #
Yeah #
Oh you're giving me a card are you ? #
Oh for fuck sake I've got to swap one of mine for one of yours now #
Yeah , I haven't had a question #
Ah , ooh shit #
Ah shit , which one shall I go for ? #
Who is a pop singer , who is the pop singer with pierced genitals ? #
Mary Hopkins , Ozzie Osborne or Genesis ? #
No Genesis #
The other one was #
What is a merkin , a pubic wig #
Cornish slang for a prostitute or a jock strap worn by , initiates in a masonic ritual ? #
It's a pubic wig #
How do you know he's that bulge down there #
Pubic wig , have you ever heard of a pubic weapon #

Oh no , can't read that one , that's too easy #
what's the opening #
Shh , shh , shh , shh , hang on a minute can't #
what's the opening immediately behind the clitoris ? #
You'll like this one Gary ,is it A , the virgin #
no wait for it ,B , urethra P hole or C , the nook where the clitoris hides , so men can never find it #
No B , the urethra or P hole #
key hole I was gonna say #
Your go Phil #
Come on #
Ooze #
Oh #
Ooh #
what is the donkey pump a special sex position used by men with large organs an extra spare steam pump or a device used for ar artificial insemination of donkeys ? #
No it was B #
Oh bloody what is the black bore , oh fucking hell , a foreskin gun #
cor fucking hell , that makes me cringe that does #
Oh god #
I still can't get over that woman pissing on the audience #
Fucking lucky bitch #

Gotta be C innit ? #
What was that ? #
Come on #
Oh god #
Another A #
Oh we're all getting there #
taken us , mm , half an hour #
She had a what ? #
Cor , she must have a big fanny #
especially if it's that horse out in Spain , cor his dick was dragging along the bloody floor weren't it and everyone was taking photos of it #

I bet you were #
Yeah twat #
that's what , I was gonna say that #
C #
B #
Yeah #
Yeah #
swap all your cards #
Right , ah god #
Swap one card with the player of your choice , so Gary #
Then questions we've answered will come back up #
They'll probably go out and buy the game , oh my god it's sick #
Got the dog though ain't we ? #
Means going back in the morning and taking him for a walk #
You should ask them both questions on the card , that way we've got a better chance of getting them bloody card for yourself innit ? #
Mm #
Oh bloody hell why do they have to put such long words in them ? #
Who threw off his clothes and danced naked in front of the Holy Art ? #
David king of the Jew , David Bowie or David Frost ? #
Yeah it was #
I've got some crusts down here if you want to #
He always gets a crease when he's chewing , his eyebrows when he's concentrating . #
Do what ? #
I tell your dad cos he called you , he said that you go at a snail's pace didn't he today ? #
When they were watching the bloody running this afternoon #
A #
No , if he's not taking much of this in he'd wanna start talking #
A #
C , shit #
He's alright , he likes this time of night don't he ? #
No I think he had a dirty bum . #
C #
Oh #
No there's ten #
I know that much #
Oh god #
The seventh #
What does the expression cod piece mean ? #
Now are you ready for this ? #
A , a fishy smell #
B , a scrotum protector #
or C , a play that is a hoax on another play #
Yes #
a scrotum protector #
I've got three different ones #
not a Gary and not a Phil #
Chromosomes #
Well it can't be B because Stephanie pisses standing up #
What is a man ? #
It's gotta be C #
A #
yeah but you can have a sex change and pee standing up and have testicles , but you can have the X and Y chromosomes can you ? #
Cos they can't transplant all your hormones as well #
Excuse me you twats from the university , send us the answer #
C #
really #
Yeah #
I can't fucking read them names #
Which sex magazine is now run by the founders daughter ? #
Playboy , Men Only or Penthouse #
Wrong , A or B , well A and B , Playboy and Men Only #
Oh god #
A male deer's a stag #
Oh I'll know that the next time it comes up in erm #
Take A Break #
that was in this week's and it was a stag I haven't got this week's , not out today #
either that it's funny or he can't read the fucking question #
Oh ,aphrodisiac , aphrodisiac #
aphrodisiacal potions #
or primitive contraceptive de , devices #
Yeah #
No aphrodisiacal , cos it's got the A , L in #
Cor who gets turned on with fucking crocodile bollocks ? #
Urgh , can you imagine drinking crocodile #
Right #

let them all out #
Get out the cooking oil #
Yeah #
That's #
that #
C #
Not another A is it ? #
It's when you get to ten you've gotta stop , you've got to put one at the bottom #
A sexual surrogate will A , have sex with you if he can't find anyone else , all the things nobody else is prepared to do with you sexually , or teach you how to draw you the partner you want ? #
C #
teach you how to draw the partner you want #

Oh god here we go #
Oh the #
or whatever it is #
Yeah I did , didn't I ? #
Three hundred concubine #
Seven hundred #
I dunno #
C #
No , none of us got that one right to start with #
no , we never got it right , what were the answers on that ? #
oh #
He committed suicide because he found his gas bill #
how can he have VD if one bollock's in the Albert Hall ? #
That's baffled Phil , that's too complicated for him #
You should of heard the argument about the poll tax , that was funny #
A monk #
A #
Oh , dirty bugger #
What did Ancient Roman men hold when swearing an oath ? #
Their testicles #
their #
or their wife's tits ? #
Their , their testicles #
Swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but #
Oh yeah #
Oh Julie #
one , two , three four #
Right you should have that bugger back , that leaves me with four #
oh bloody hell , I suppose you'll give me another one , oh oh my I ,how many have I got ? #
Two , four #

They're all fucking yellow aren't they ? #
I thought it would of been C cos they're yellow over there in't they ? #
Oh no #
B #

Oh your turn to read one to Phillip #
Ah this is to you , cos we've swapped directions again #
Oh I , I read this one to you , oh fucking hell in what way is the whale's penis similar to the elephant ? #
It rolls up , it , it's retractable inside the body or it drops off after an orgasm #
Yeah , have an N #
Ooh imagine it dropping off after having an orgasm #
think of the #
Retractable inside the body #
oh theirs just drags along the floor #
C #
Yeah , well we need to get the cards to win , don't we ? #
A #
Oh god I've got another one of them #
Phillip I've got a problem where's my #
I know you've got a decent hand you fucking arsehole , I've got to ask a question now as well haven't I ? #
No you're not #
Who created Susie Cream Cheese ? #
Frank Zapper , The Swiss or Pretty Polly Tights and Pantyhose #
Mm , have another M #
I gave you one of them last time didn't I ? #
Well don't tell everybody cos then they'll change #
Aargh #

Wind in the Willows , it's pretty obviously it's not gonna be that one #
that was you the night the doctor came round he , he nearly threw up #
oh god it was , laid in bed , no joke , his fucking pants blew out that far #
he went into the toilet , sits down , fucking pebbledashes the bloody place #
You mean you #
They'll probably send down er , a needle , have to stop the runs or something #
B #
Oh #
Four #
It's four #
I actually got that right #
bloody hell #
gosh #
The Philippines #
Ooh fucking hell which animal has the most sperm in one ejaculation ? #
A horse , a mink or a golden hamster #
A horse has eight billion #
mind you it's not surprising the size of their dicks when they get horny is it ? #

Yeah #
Yeah you wanna go to Ostens and get the address of them #

Oh , dogs who get locked together during sex #
Nearly all A #
You only need two As anyway don't you ? #
Yeah and now I'm left with four #
I thought he had more than that , he was saying he's got sex man #
Only about seven of the buggers #
Oh #
Oh here we go might have #
innit Phil ? #

B #
Either change direction or reverse the play #
You should read the last word on this #
Oh you're down to two now #
If you get any more you've got to put one back on the bottom of the pile #
No #

Oh you'll have to try that tonight then Phil #
No #
no #
oh come off #
It doesn't cos how many do you need Phil ? #
mind , you've got to change his nappy #
A #
No you cataramie #
What is a common symptom of alcoholism ? #
Bigamy forgetting you already have a wife or husband , thinking you have two partners , when you only have one or permanent impudent #
Yeah #
yeah #
Next time you get out on the bus ask them personally if you've got a humby Is that still going ? #
Righto #
Is Gary there ? #
Right your go Gal #
But you have to the questions in there #
C #
C #
I should get two cards for that shouldn't I ? #
Ha , oh god #
What was the philosopher Manuelle Kans when he died ? #
Very happy , very ill he had #
or he was a virgin ? #
Yeah #
Oh it's ears I think #
Fucking hell #
we've been here twelve hours #
I was gonna say A #
Oh was it ? #
The Graduate #
Oh , thank you #
Is that all we've #
B #
Oh #
What about driving then ? #
Them balls in the road #
What's that got to do with sex ? #
What giant sexual organ escapes in Woody Allen's film Everything You've Always Wanted To Know About Sex ? #
A , a breast , B , a penis or C a pussy #
A #
What is Animal Farm like ? #
Everyone keeps going on about the Animal Farm #
Oh dear #
Oh yeah it's #
party innit ? #
Who ? #
B yeah #
his nob drops off and he dies #
Butterfly and a plant #
Yeah , you need two #
As #
Phillip #
Yeah #
Yeah #
You don't want to say it out loud Phil cos if I have to swap one of my cards I'm not gonna give him an N #
Your turn to read #
You don't swap he , he gives you one #
Swap your card with the player to your left #
Mm #
Five #
He reckons he's gonna answer more questions than you #
Now swap your cards , #
Oh god , I ain't got #
Twelve inches #
Oh does it ? #
Oh god Phillip #
there's no point when you die , there's no point in me #
And when you go down the aqua slide #
in Spain it shrivels doesn't it dear ? #
What is a seventy eight ? #
a Victorian tin miner , a prostitute term for a client who's quick to come , a sixty nine for on the side on ? #
Yeah #
How many cards have you got now , nine innit ? #
Can you re-visit ? #
Trust us like mad #
Your turn Phil #
Ah come on #
So #
Madonna #
Yeah that's obvious , she's a fucking sex maniac #
Go on #
Quite a few #
B #
A #
have a card #
Oh you've got to put one back now ain't you ? #
How many nipples did Anne Boleyn have ? #
One , two or three ? #
Yeah #
how the hell do you have three nipples ? #
Yeah #
B #
You counted two instead of one then , I mean one instead of two #
Have you got it all ? #

He had to swap with the person on his left didn't he ? #
Come on Phil you've gotta read a question #
C #
Yeah cos you've never heard of him #
Clive James is the one who does that #
Kim Basinger #
Yeah #
the sizes though , they usually only have them in about a three and a four don't they ? #
How much were they ? #
Oh how sick #
Oh my god #
